We all lose a loved one at some time during our lives. Sometimes it is unexpected, a jolt out of the blue. Other times, it seems like a long walk as an elderly or not person finally says goodbye and passes away.
However loss occurs, its impact can be immediate, traumatic and result in significant grief to those experiencing the loss.
People with a disability experience grief and loss no differently to all of us, yet may exhibit features of the bereaving process that, due to their personal circumstances, is different to those without a disability. Whether a disability involves an intellectual or a physical feature, we ought to be sensitive and understanding in our support for the grieving process where a person has a disability.
Experience suggests that it is helpful to communicate about the loss in clear language: for example, avoid potentially confusing terms like “gone to sleep” or “passed away” and instead, refer to the deceased as having “died” or is “dead”.
This is important as “soft phrases” that we commonly use, can often, in the disability community, minimise an individual struggle and disconnects a person with a disability from their personal experiences.
Where images may help, use stories or pictures to help a person understand or conceptualise death.
As part of this, talk to family members to better understand how the deceased was referred to and what they prefer to hear.
Support throughout the grieving process is particularly important in the context of a disability.
It helps to:
- Involve the person in spiritual or civil rituals such as funerals or memorial services;
- Maintain routines to help focus thoughts on the present;
- Create positive memories to honour the deceased; and
- Validate and acknowledge all emotions such as anger, sadness, confusion or loss.
And, be conscious that men can often exhibit feelings of grief and loss during bereavement in different ways to women: often holding in emotions, brushing off concerns and saying, “I am OK”, when in truth they are often not OK.
It is such an important part of the bereavement process, particularly for people with disabilities, to understand each person’s position and circumstances and to work with them, rather than treating them as “just like us”. And, men and women do often grieve in different ways. Sharing stories and lessons on bereavement for people with a disability can be invaluable and help us to learn from the experience of others.